The Gift Of Loneliness

It kind of seems like a paradox doesn’t it? How can loneliness be a gift?

Sorry guys I haven’t written a blog post in so long, life has been crazy busy (but in a good way 🙂 )

About 2 years ago I started meditating. At first it seemed like a complete waste of time. I thought “why would I sit in complete silence for 10 minutes when I could be making dinner or out exercising”??

I’ll admit after 30 days of meditating my life fell completely apart. My friendships started cracking, I lost touch with my friends, my job became more stressful, my relationship was hanging on by a thread. Everything that I valued in my life was being ripped out from underneath me.  I thought : here I am trying to make things better by meditating and then all hell breaks loose. It was hard for about 3 months- so much uncertainty, so much fear about what was happening.

I didn’t understand why all this was going on at the time but now I can see the bigger picture. Now I understand the saying “It always gets worse before it gets better”.

For years I had always looked to others for my happiness. I had always based my self worth on what relationship I was in, my friends, my job, having nice clothes…all things that I soon realized could be taken away from me at the drop of a hat.  My relationship fell apart, the person I loved more than anything- suddenly didn’t seem like Prince Charming anymore. I found it hard to be around him. We started fighting, and eventually ended things. It was devastating to me. But now I can see the bigger picture.

When you meditate, exercise, eat right it changes the energetic make up of your body. It raises your vibration/frequency. So if your hanging out with people who aren’t at the same frequency, the meditation shifts those people away from you. If you’re at a dead end job it makes it difficult for you so you eventually quit and change your path. When you go through these sudden endings it’s complete hell, but trust me it’s worth it. Because once you get off the wrong path you can find a new one.

For about 6 months after I started meditating I was really lonely. I felt like I had no one. But eventually I learned how to be comfortable by myself.  I realized the gift of loneliness. I learned how to be happy with no one else around.  I would go out on a walk and just sit by myself for hours with my dog. And I began to see that I didn’t need anyone, I didn’t need the materialistic stuff or the empty relationships.

To me it was a gift. The loneliness was a blessing in disguise because I got to get in touch with who I was instead of putting all my focus on others.  Now instead of needing others in my life I just trust that God will bring the right ones to me. I don’t worry if people like me or approve of how I live my life anymore, and it’s the biggest relief. The biggest freedom is living life on my own terms.

I am a constant work in progress. Everyday I am working on the goals I set for myself. Some days are easy and some still challenge me. If I could tell anyone one thing it would be to be compassionate with yourself. Give yourself the time to change, it doesn’t happen overnight but slowly you will see the difference. Make yourself a priority- start eating right, exercise, meditate.

When you can sit in complete silence by yourself and be at peace that is when you will know the change has occurred.

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Life is crazy…but in the best way.

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I haven’t written a post in so long. Life has been crazy, hectic but also exciting- so I can’t complain. I decided to go back to school after contemplating it for so long, I decided to just go for it and see what happens.

I wanted a change- I NEEDED a change. Although I felt comfortable at my job, there was something missing. I couldn’t quite pinpoint it exactly but I just wasn’t excited about waking up in the morning anymore. I was discussing with one of my coworkers how I wanted to do something different, but didn’t know how. I never really discussed personal things at work but as we were driving home the one day I let down my guard (had a semi-breakdown in the process) and just let her know how frustrated I was with where I was at.

I always wanted to be a nurse, but for some reason I did what other people wanted me to and ended up at a job that didn’t fulfill my purpose. A few days later my coworker said she had some interesting news. Her friend was a nurse and knew of a program that was being offered that could get me my credentials.

Now I believe nothing is a coincidence in life- everything happens for a reason. I knew this was the next step for me…it made sense. The only concern I had now was how was I going to have the time to complete the program, the money and still pay my bills. My coworker said don’t worry- the school is covered given you put in enough hours at the clinical placement. I couldn’t believe it- it was all coming together. I had a lifeline now. I had a little bit of hope that I could attend school.

I started school a month ago- life has been hectic. I go to work and then in the evenings attend school. To say I am sleep deprived is an understatement. There are days that push me so close to the breaking point with work and then trying to manage school on top of it all. But when I am about ready to give up I remember what an incredible opportunity this is for me. I remember how desperately I wanted a change and now God gave me just that.

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The one demon I still battle with daily is my own self doubt. I am a hard worker, I do a good job, get along with people. But the one thing I struggle with is my lack of confidence in my own abilities. I never think I am doing enough.  I don’t have complete faith that everything will work out. I wish I did , but I still have those moments where I question it all.

So I guess that is what I am working on now. The school work I can deal with, work I can manage but sometime my own negativity gets the best of me. I try to wake up in the morning and tell myself “you don’t have to have everything figured out- just go with it”.

I also realized the huge connection between what I ate and my mood. I used to meditate, try to stay positive, but my one downfall was my diet. I was always so tired by the end of the day that I would eat out 4-5 days a week. Now I make an effort to eat non-processed, whole foods. The produce section at the supermarket has become my new best friend 🙂  When I stick to the healthy eating it’s amazing how all the self doubt and anxiety goes away. I try to take my dog out for a walk more now…exercise..now that it’s nice weather I have no excuse.

I don’t really know why I am writing this- sometimes I just like to look back and see my progress. So I guess what I would say to anyone who is struggling – just cut yourself a break. Take a deep breath, don’t worry about tomorrow or next week just today. Cause as cliche as it sounds – the present moment is all we have.

I read this quote somewhere “A happy life is just a string of happy moments. But most people don’t allow the happy moment, because they’re so busy trying to get a happy life”. 

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So don’t focus so much on the happy life, just worry about achieving a few happy moments here and there 🙂 Also eat a few fruits and vegetables here and there, exercise- make yourself a priority.

Now back to my crazy, hectic, blessed life 🙂

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Nina Dobrev Leaves The Vampire Diaries

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To be honest i’m so sad because I get overly attached to tv series. There are only a few that I watch religiously (Breaking Bad, Suits, TVD + some others)

When Breaking Bad ended I was legit depressed for a few weeks. Everyone can relate when you watch a series on Netflix or DVD and you watch 3 seasons in one day and then all of the sudden you realize you have to wait months for the new episodes to air on tv. Except in this case …who knows if TVD will even go on?

I mean when a main character exits a show how do rewrite such a big part of it? Personally I won’t be watching it anymore.

There’s a couple reasons this happened. I mean numerology never lies. Life goes in cycles 2015 is a number 9 year for Nina and 9 represents the end of a cycle. It is when you cut ties with anything that no longer serves you in life. The number 9 year was one of the most challenging ones of my life. It causes you to really evaluate where you’ve been, where you’re headed etc. And if you chose to avoid the confrontation life just makes it that much harder for you.

It’s bittersweet…because a #1 year will bring you so many wonderful new experiences, but first you have to cut ties with major aspects of your life. For Nina she has done the same tv series for 6 years, lived in the same place, surrounded by the same people. Now all of the sudden she has to leave the comfortable for the unknown.

Some of you know my passion for astrology. So I also relate a lot of what goes on to the transits we all experience. Nina’s ascendant is in Capricorn. 2013 -2015 has been a brutal time for anyone with planets in cardinal signs (Capricorn, Libra, Aries or Cancer) because of the grand cross formation. Not only is her ascendant in Capricorn, her Sun is there too.

Now to add to all this pluto is currently in Capricorn. And I have my ascendant in Capricorn too, so I feel her pain. The past 3 years of my life have involved a lot of soul searching and complete upheaval. Pluto isn’t a superficial planet, it gets right down to the core. And it doesn’t have a gentle, “here let me help you get on another path” approach. It’s more like “like me take away anything that isn’t working, and let you pick up the pieces”.

Now the bright side of all this is that after this transit you have a new found personal power. You have a stronger sense of self, new found clarity- but first you have to pick up all the pieces after pluto comes around.

I think this was a hard decision for Nina. Because not only does she have herself to consider, she also has an entire cast whose futures might be in jeopardy too. Personally I don’t see the series continuing much longer. Maybe another year or so, but I think it’s ran it’s course.

The fact that Nina can’t even do one thing without thousands of fans scrutinizing every detail could be part of the problem. I think Nina had to cut ties with that show because she learned all there was to learn. And in order to move on to the next phase of her life she needed to get away from that group and the fans.  It would be very hard to have any relationships when you get the backlash from some crazy 15 year old fans.

I think it’s bittersweet for Nina…there will probably be moments when she questions if this is the right decision or not. I’m sure the cast won’t be as close anymore, but sometimes the temporary uncertainty is worth the happiness down the road.

2015 will be a bit of a challenge for Nina, but don’t worry better things are yet to come. 2016-2018 will represent a time of new beginnings.

As for the show I don’t see it continuing much longer. The show is in it’s 7th year. 7 is considered one of the most unlucky numbers in Chinese culture. That’s why a lot of marriages fail after 7 years, because it is more a spiritual year of reevaluation. So I think if anything by 2017 (the 9th year) this show will be done. I think it will run the 6th season and maybe think about producing a 7th, but after that there’s not much hope. They’ve lost half their fan base anyways. Do I think it was a selfish decision? maybe a little bit . But sometimes you have to do what’s best for yourself and your life in order to move forward.

Maybe we should all focus a little bit more on our own lives instead of a storyline from between fictional characters? (myself included 😉 )

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Riawna & Morgan

Haven’t written on here in awhile…sorry guys.

I haven’t been on twitter much, life has been crazy. But when I logged on I saw this photo. To be honest I did not see this coming. I thought Riawna and Morgan were just good friends!

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Now I was raised Catholic- my mom made us go to church every sunday and say our prayers. Probably if she saw this photo she would pass judgement because she is very set in her beliefs.  I have struggled with the Catholic faith a lot because I think it divides people rather than bringing them together. Actually I struggle with the whole concept of man made religion.  I think it’s good to have faith. You need to believe in something greater than yourself. It’s good to have something to help you during the challenging times. But I think there is a big problem with religion that is sometimes overlooked.

I’m a very spiritual person, I would say I believe in God, but not necessarily the idea of God that Catholics have. I think God is universal, He is all accepting. He seeks to bring people together and create harmony on earth.  He is non judgemental and helps people to understand their truth. That is not exactly what the Catholic idea of God is.  The Catholic religion has many cracks and I think they are becoming more apparent then ever. They have a strict set of rules and if you don’t follow them you should fear the consequences. If you don’t do A, B & C- God will condemn you, you will go to hell etc…does that sound like a loving God to you?

And these people that claim they are religious are usually the ones passing all the judgement.   They claim their religion is loving yet reject those that don’t conform. I think a lot of it has to do with fear and insecurity. They think they need to be part of a group to be worthy.  Spirituality and religion are very different, and once I became spiritual I found it difficult to accept religion.

I think Riawna and Morgan should do whatever makes them happy. If they wake up in the morning and are at peace with their soul then they shouldn’t give a damn what others think.  There will always be people who judge your choices in life, but if you can become immune to the negativity, you’re on the right path (easier said than done right? 🙂 )

And as for these people who judge their choices in life, they need to focus a little more on their own life and worry less about what someone else is doing. One of my best friends is gay and people automatically stereotype him. It’s always “oh he’s your gay best friend…you two must love going shopping together” No he is just my friend who happens to be gay but that is not the only thing that defines him . There is more to him than just who he choses to date. I feel like everyone should have the choice to live a life that makes them happy.

I do feel like people are becoming more accepting these days, but there’s still a long way to go.

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A Year in Review

Happy New Years guys!  2014 was a roller coaster ride (but isn’t every year? 🙂 )

2014 was tough for me, but also the beginning of something great.

As far as my career goes, it was somewhat of a challenging year. I know I am not doing the type of work I should be. But I am a person who is so resistant to change, so I stayed at a job that was less than fulfilling. Well about mid way through 2014 I experienced resistance in every form at work. My boss was all of the sudden being a complete asshole, I felt so much pressure to get more done, I really was pushed to the breaking point. I just felt so distant from coworkers and everyone there.  As much as I was frustrated , I really think everything happens for a reason. In this case I think it was my angels saying get back on track with your life!  Do something that makes you happy and fulfills your life purpose instead of wasting your time.

So in November I decided to reduce my hours, I needed to focus more on me. I needed to get away from the negative energy at work because every time i set foot in that place I could feel my mood go to shit.  Everyone around me thought I was crazy, they all gave me a hard time because I was giving up good money, a secure job…but I just for once had to follow my own intuition. I had to do this for me. And although it made everyone else upset, I knew in my heart I made the right decision.

I needed to step away from the material aspects of life because they were making me lose who I was.  This leads into my next point…

In 2015 I want to work on my relationship with God. Now I know I will lose about 75% of the readers right here 🙂  But I want to focus more on my faith. The truth is I haven’t been inside a church in 3 years. Not even on Christmas because I thought the whole idea of organized religion was not for me. I still think this, but someone told me that man made religion is not God. God is not discriminatory, he will accept you even with all your faults and mistakes.

I thought there’s no way God will ever accept me back. I have made mistakes that go against Christianity, but when I went to talk to someone in the church about it, they said God is all forgiving. So although it is a work in progress I hope to work on my faith. It’s not an easy process because like I said i’m far from perfect.

So I guess this year relationships will take a back seat for me. I was with someone on and off for 5 years, but this person brought me farther away from my true self. I’ll be honest it’s hard to see all my friends getting engaged and having babies. It’s hard to see them have what I wanted. But I think right now none of that is in my cards. First I need to work on the relationship I have with myself before any of that will improve.

Now ending my on again off again relationship was probably the hardest thing to do. Not because I necessarily loved this person, but because it was comfortable. It was a security blanket for me. In the back of my  mind I was like if I don’t meet anyone in the next 5 years, we could get married. But how is that fair to either of us? To settle shouldn’t be an option .  I am getting better at this alone thing. There’s some days I wish I had more friends who could relate but maybe I need to learn how to be happy alone before anything gets better.

So in 2014 I reevaluated my career, my relationships fell apart, I feel more alone than ever…but the silver lining is I believe this is the start of something amazing. 

Whatever troubles or setbacks you faced in 2014, just keep the faith that better times lie ahead…maybe not right away but eventually we will all get there 🙂

All the best for 2015  guys 🙂

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Derek Hough & Kate Hudson?

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 4.51.51 PM photo credit: http://www.eonline.com Now before everyone gets all upset and says “who are you to speculate on Derek’s private life” …i just want to say my opinion has no bearing on Derek’s life ! Whether or not Derek & Kate are together I’ll never know 100%. But life is ironic sometimes. When Jules challenged Kate to join their dance wars this year I somehow ended up clicking on Kate’s instagram and thought “her and Derek would be such a good match”….fast forward a week or so & here we are 🙂  Now again I know nothing about Derek’s personal life, they could just be friends. But like I said I was looking at Kate’s instagram and saw that she was into Buddhism and all this spiritual shit…so is Derek 🙂

Derek needs someone like that- someone who operates at a higher vibration.. who doesn’t see things in life just as black and white..someone who can see the greater meaning.  I am into astrology so I was taking a look at Derek’s birth chart (haha now doesn’t that seem creepy) but I just think there is so much more to people than what meets the eye. Derek is always so private about his personal life so I wanted to understand why.

So here’s Derek’s birth chart:

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 4.23.14 PM The first thing I noticed is that the majority of his personal planets (Sun, Moon etc.) are all on the bottom half of the chart. This shows someone who is introverted by nature and prefers periods of solitude and time alone. Someone who is protective of their inner world and lets very few people in.

The next thing (and probably one of the most important things to mention about his chart) is that his moon is at 29 degrees. When a planet is at 29 degrees it is a very karmic point.  There are only 30 degrees in each sign. This placement shows that we are so close to learning a lesson in this lifetime that we may have struggled with in past lifetimes. It may represent an “old soul” – someone whose been here before, learned a few things but hasn’t quite mastered one particular issue.  Now I have a planet at 29 degrees to so I can speak from personal experience- it isn’t always the easiest thing. Karma is something that cannot be avoided…you either need to face it or heal it…or it will continue to make your life hell. With the moon at 29 degrees Aries it means that the energy of that sign is at it’s weakest point.

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The moon represents our emotions. Emotions are something Derek struggles with in this lifetime. Also because the moon is in the 1st house it shows us what area of life that the struggles will manifest. The 1st house represents how we portray ourself to the world, our basic identity, the house of self. Now with the moon at the critical 29th degree in the 1st house there shows that there is a constant struggle between letting others in and keeping them out. There may be an intense fear that if people know to much that our sense of personal security will be threatened.

With Aries at the 29th degree there is a struggle to develop boundaries with people, especially within their own family. Derek needs to learn to put his needs first instead of always putting his family first. He has to realize that his desires, his goals and needs are just as important as say Jules, his mom, his sisters etc. That there are boundaries- he can still be a great brother, son, etc…while pursuing his own goals. There is also this feeling that family is a security blanket and he may be scared to branch out from that…but until he severes some ties, he will not be able to grow. It can be painful, there can be a feeling of having to chose one side or the other…but that’s karma for you 🙂 Also back on the topic of boundaries- Derek needs to develop healthy boundaries with people. He is a very private person…but in this life we need others to grow. We need to let others in- and like I said I have a planet at 29 degrees , so I can relate to the struggle. We have to show others all sides of ourselves in order to overcome our karma.  To find a balance with emotions…to learn to trust others intentions.

I guess karma is two fold- on one hand it is hell when you are not “aware”. You can start feeling like “why me” why does all this BS keep happening to me, while others have such an easy path. But once i accepted my karma and began to work through it I started to see it as a blessing in disguise. If it wasn’t for those hard lessons, I would have never found inner peace. I would have never started meditating, never seen the bigger picture. So I think in a lot of ways karma has been a saving grace (but trust me I haven’t always felt that way 😉 ) .

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Now here’s where Kate Hudson comes in. Whether or not Kate and Derek are “together” or not I have no clue . But I will say that Kate Hudson is a very significant person in Derek’s life and vice versa. Kate Hudson has her own demons to face in this lifetime and that is why I think she turned to spirituality as a way to cope. Same with Derek. Now Kate’s Sun is at the exact same point (Aries 29 degrees) as Derek’s moon. This is probably one of the most binding aspects between two individuals…now it doesn’t mean they “are meant to be” but disregarding everything else , when your moon is at the same point as someone else’s sun it shows a great feeling of support. It is the unity of the two planets and they are able to gain strength from each other.  Derek may feel like Kate “gets him”. Not on the superficial level…not in the way all his fans see him…but she understands the inner struggles he’s faced because she has faced them too.  And it is at a very karmic point too, meaning that maybe they were meant to meet each other in this lifetime.

Disclaimer: I don’t want people to assume they are together, they may just be friends- but  I think they were meant to cross paths for a reason. There is a karmic lesson in it for both of them. Kate can help Derek along his spiritual path and vice versa. They both have lessons to learn, and when you are ready to learn a lesson the right person appears. Usually people who are spiritual in nature haven’t got to that point by chance. They have got there through karma- because they are trying to find a way to overcome the challenges they face. I think Kate and Derek are good for each other- as partners, friends or whatever they may be, they both can learn so much from each other 🙂

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My thoughts…

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I turned on the news tonight and I was in complete shock. Buildings burning, gunshots and even a reporter hit in the head with a rock.

I’m not going to comment on the verdict that the jury came to. All I know is that what is going on is insane.

Now before everyone pulls the “you’re not black- you don’t understand ” card… actually i get it. My mom is an immigrant and english is not her first language. She won’t go to the store by herself, she will ask me to always go with her just so she doesn’t have to talk to people.  I have witnessed first hand the way people treat her – they label her with that “dumb immigrant” stereotype. The truth is my mom is actually a very smart, articulate kind person- but people fail to get to know the real her. Discrimination and racism all have the same effect…they basically make you feel like shit. It’s when someone says “because of your background i’m going to treat you differently” or they generalize people as a whole group “you’re ____, you’re all the same” .

I don’t think the protests in Ferguson are about that one incident. I don’t think all that anger is directed solely at Officer Wilson. Instead Officer Wilson was a trigger. It triggered people to remember all the times they have been discriminated against because of the color of their skin. It made me remember how my mom was treated like shit all those time by people who barely knew her. It represents a much bigger problem than just Officer Wilson. Do I think there will ever be a day where there is no racism or discrimination? not a chance. But I told my mom that she can’t let others affect her because if she does- they win. And trust me it’s easier said than done. But the truth is racism and discrimination will never go away- we can’t control what 300 million people do. But you can chose to not let others disturb your peace.

Burning buildings to the ground does not solve anything. A week from now- all those shop owners will be left without a job. All the years they spent building their businesses will be a waste. It’s ironic because the people who are trying to make their community a better place are destroying it in the process. Does it make me mad how my mom has been treated? yes. But only God can judge those people’s action.

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Did Officer Wilson have reason to kill Michael Brown? We will never know 100%. Only 3 people know what happened that night- Michael Brown and Officer Wilson and God. If we don’t know the full story maybe we shouldn’t speculate. When I first heard that he hadn’t been charged I thought it was crazy and the whole “Cops think they’re above the law” …but then i’d be stereotyping too.

I hate how everyone jumps on the bandwagon and are so quick to just pick whatever the popular opinion is. How about people stop using this verdict as a reason to destroy their community? How about people get honest about what the real issues are- racism, discrimination, stereotyping . Have a conversation about how we can change the way people are treated in this country instead of burning down buildings. Do I feel that people have a right to be upset about this? yes. …but their anger is misdirected.

At the end of the day no one knows what happened that night.  I believe in karma- that what you do always comes back full circle. We need to take a step back and let God deal with all those involved. This is not what the Brown family wanted their son’s legacy to be so we need to respect their wishes.

I pray that one day we will all be treated the same regardless of the color of our skin, our nationality, our accents, our beliefs etc …but this isn’t the way to get there.

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